When I saw Sara’s face this morning…
I knew something was wrong.
She told me of your week.
Doctor’s visit on Tuesday.
Sent home with medicine
To stop the vomit.
Concern and calls on Wed.
And then–
The Unthinkable.
A child who ceases to breath.
Your child.
The first of your four.
Gone.
In a night.
And the next morning…the pain starts in your belly.
You can barely feel it through the pain in your heart.
But your youngest…still growing.
Is gone as well…
Two children in one day.
I thought about you all day Grace.
I prayed for you….
I screamed for you…
That deep silent scream that any mother who has lost a child knows well.
A heart-wrenching moan that feels like everything within is being turned out.
Raw pain like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I remember well
That pain.
When I made the beds today…for those-children-who-should-have-made-them-on-their-own.
It hit me–
That empty bed.
The tiny pillow that used to cradle your sweet one’s weary head.
Tears fell.
When I set the table today…for all those mouths to feed.
I imagined removing one place.
The empty chair that will echo volumes of giggles and smiles and tears and joy…
And so much love.
Sits empty.
When I felt my daughter’s arms today…
Encircling my neck.
I remembered that deep longing when we lost ours…
For one more minute.
Just one more moment to savor her sweet smell…
And when I go to rest tonight….
I will remember.
Trying to forget.
Waking to that one tiny second of confusion.
Where all seems right.
And then reality hits.
And she is gone.
I will cry for you tomorrow
When I awake and remember again what it was like…
That jolt of pain each morning.
There will be a time for
Seeing the purpose.
And trying to understand the why.
For putting one foot in front of the other
And for walking through the pain to a place where you can feel once again.
Where your trust in Him makes sense
And you will mean it–when you say it–
God is good always.
God loves me always.
There is a day of joy to find.
I give you my promise.
And He will lead you there.
But today is a day for
Weeping with those who weep.
For sorrow.
For tears.
For heartache.
And our God, who loves you, can handle this pain.
He can handle your doubt and confusion and hurt and
He says: “Pour out your heart to me…”
And today.
That is enough.
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