For Grace…

When I saw Sara’s face this morning…

I knew something was wrong.
She told me of your week.
Doctor’s visit on Tuesday.
Sent home with medicine
To stop the vomit.
Concern and calls on Wed.
And then–
The Unthinkable.
A child who ceases to breath.
Your child.
The first of your four.
In a night.
And the next morning…the pain starts in your belly.
You can barely feel it through the pain in your heart.
But your youngest…still growing.
Is gone as well…
Two children in one day.
I thought about you all day Grace.
I prayed for you….
I screamed for you…
That deep silent scream that any mother who has lost a child knows well.
A heart-wrenching moan that feels like everything within is being turned out.
Raw pain like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I remember well
That pain.
When I made the beds today…for those-children-who-should-have-made-them-on-their-own.
It hit me–
That empty bed.
The tiny pillow that used to cradle your sweet one’s weary head.
Tears fell.
When I set the table today…for all those mouths to feed.
I imagined removing one place.
The empty chair that will echo volumes of giggles and smiles and tears and joy…
And so much love.
Sits empty.
When I felt my daughter’s arms today…
Encircling my neck.
I remembered that deep longing when we lost ours…
For one more minute.
Just one more moment to savor her sweet smell…
And when I go to rest tonight….
I will remember.
Trying to forget.
Waking to that one tiny second of confusion.
Where all seems right.
And then reality hits.
And she is gone.
I will cry for you tomorrow
When I awake and remember again what it was like…
That jolt of pain each morning.
There will be a time for
Seeing the purpose.
And trying to understand the why.
For putting one foot in front of the other
And for walking through the pain to a place where you can feel once again.
Where your trust in Him makes sense
And you will mean it–when you say it–
God is good always.
God loves me always.
There is a day of joy to find.
I give you my promise.
And He will lead you there.
But today is a day for
Weeping with those who weep.
For sorrow.
For tears.
For heartache.
And our God, who loves you, can handle this pain.
He can handle your doubt and confusion and hurt and
He says: “Pour out your heart to me…”
And today.
That is enough.
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  1. Weeping and praying too (for you both).

  2. I don’t even know her Amber…but it was all I could think about yesterday. Sara is a special friend of mine…and very close to Grace. Mele is close to her too.

    Her oldest was 6…I kept thinking about Cavan (7) and all the life and joy that he adds to our lives (that all of them add) and it just hit so hard…thinking of her facing all that emptiness.

    All those “Selah emotions”…

    Her name is Grace…please do pray because without God’s help….it’s hard to imagine how she’ll get up tomorrow morning.

  3. Oh my. I will be praying for Grace. Thank you for sharing such raw emotions and weeping with those that weep. I am praying for her now.

  4. Oh my goodness, how sad that she had to go through those losses. Is it someone CorDeo or church? My heart is just broken for them. I’ll be praying. You are such an encouraging & dear person Kara, I hope we can get together one day soon so our boys can play and we can chat. We miss you guys (& I admit I miss “seeing” little bits of you on fb).

  5. I understand. I’m praying. Hearts weep. Prayers rise. God touches.

    Delighted to meet you today. Hope you don’t mind if I splash around a bit to get to know you a bit more.


  6. What a beautiful post to comfort your friend. I have no words.

  7. I had to wipe away my tears to finish reading this it was so touching.

  8. Wow! So beautiful and touching! I am sorry about your friend’s loss, your loss. Know that my heart and prayers are with you.

  9. Thank you…

  10. That silent scream . . . yes, I don’t know why that haunts me so. It still grips me now and again, never with the force of the first time, but always overwhelming. And always silent. Like the uncontrolled sobing that comes without tears.

  11. Dana…I know you do truly know.
    And your family has been heavy on my heart. Praying.

    It does get less overwhelming…easier to breath…and then someday to feel…and then someday there’s a glimmer of feeling whole.

    But I also remember wanting to cling tightly to the pain–so she would still feel close.

    Tiggy’s precious life is remembered…

  12. oh. so. sad.

    I cannot even imagine … losing 2 in 1 day.

    I am grieving the loss of 1 (just 2 weeks ago). My child was still growing within. I had to say “good-bye” before I even got to say “hello”.

    But, I cannot imagine losing another … ever … the same year? … the same week? … but, the same day? truly unimaginable.

    My heart breaks for this precious woman and her family. Prayers going up tonight.

    Thanks for writing such a beautiful and heartfelt post.


  13. Laurel–I’m so sorry for how much you’re hurting right now. I really appreciate Shilo’s post….so true.

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